I've made enough oblique remarks about my history with telemarketers that I've gotten a few requests to elaborate. I'm not proud of my antics, but I didn't call the telemarketers, they called me so I call that fair game.
First I need to distinguish between telemarketers and political surveyors. If it's a political survey, I will spend quite some time because those people are fairly good at making me believe they're paying attention to what I'm saying. I don't experience that very often so I'm all over that. I know that's not the reality, but Disneyland isn't reality either, it just makes you feel good.
I do have a few personal rules when it comes to dealing with telemarketers:
Rule #1. Never be rude to them. No matter what. It's just bad kharma, it will come back to you threefold, and it disrupts the Chi in your home.
Rule #2. Never hang up on a telemarketer for the same reason as Rule #1—no matter how gently you do it, it's still rude. There are other options that are way more fun or you can simply ask them to hold on, lay the phone down, put a pillow over it and come back to it awhile later when it's making that annoying off the hook noise.
Rule #3. No matter what they're selling, never tell them you're blind. All printed material comes in Braille. Even if they're selling windows and siding don't say “it doesn't matter, I'm blind” Trust me, windows and siding come in Braille too.
Keeping those rules in mind, your creative options are UNLIMITED. I consider these tactics to be a public service. The longer I keep the telemarketer on the line, the fewer calls he/she can make during their shift to other victims.
The first and simplest approach is the BC: You recognize that the caller is a telemarketer, and suddenly you have a Bad Connection. Just keep saying “Hello? Hello? Are you there? I can't hear you! Are you there? “ I recommend you continue this loop until they hang up. For reasons I cannot explain, I feel it's important that the telemarketer hangs up before I do. On some level I suspect it is a cosmic joke.
If you want some fun, I recommend GTWG: You've answered the phone and realize there's a telemarketer on the other end. You must Greet Them With Gusto. Nearly bursting with happiness to hear from them you gush:
“Oh my gosh, HOW ARE YOU?!?! How wonderful to hear from You!!! How Long has it been?!?!” You may want to practice this out loud before you try it, because you've GOT to sell it. If you do, they are totally stunned. Seriously, do you think they have EVER gotten such an opening response in their telemarketing career?! Not unless they've called me. Now they have to recover from their brain tilt. Even if they're really good and recover quickly, as soon as they start their schpeel, you interrupt with “HOW'S THE FAMILY? DO YOU STILL HEAR FROM THAT COUSIN OF YOURS....OH WHAT WAS HER NAME, YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE GEORGOUS BLUE EYES AND THE HAIR ON HER UPPER LIP.....GOSH DARN, WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER HER NAME...” I can almost guarantee that they hung up a nano-second after the word LIP.
If I'm in a hurry, I simply say in a theatrical whisper “I'm sorry, but the police are here and they want me to keep this line open.” I hear them hang up quite gingerly.
On some level my next tactic may be evil, but recently it has become very cathartic for me and I rationalize it by claiming I've earned the right. When the telemarketer asks for Rich I respond with,
“I'm sorry, right now he's in the process of dying.”
I get a perverse pleasure from the silence, for being able to respond to the caller in a way I cannot respond to the stupid questions I must field with acquaintances. Human nature being what it is, they fumble to fill that silence. I can FEEL how badly they want to hang up but a shred of human decency prevents them.
I quickly cut them off with.... “Oh no, it's okay. We're ALL dying. For him it's just more of a job than a hobby.”
Admittedly I've only done it three times. The first was not my fault—it was a really bad day and one of the Voices took over for me. The second time the caller was just too damn obnoxious with my attempts to be polite. The third time … I don't know, it was just too damn easy, it was a moment. Maybe I have a form of Turrett's. So okay, maybe I've earned the right to burn in hell. Thank goodness I have a reservation for a good table near the stage.
I promise that the more you screw with these people, the more fun it is. After awhile you become increasingly creative. If they're selling siding, I request an outrageous color—chartreuse and magenta work well, of course I want both, like horizontal intermittent stripes. When they tell me I'll have to paint those colors myself I tell them I'm a double amputee. If I'm dealing with a professional and don't have a good comeback for their Uber Sales Technique, I simply change the subject, like “Do you sell carpeting to match the siding? No? Maybe you should think about expanding into that area.” OR, "how do you think this will look with a thatched roof?" OR "can I stucco over it?"
You get the idea. Basically I just keep talking like Tammy Faye Baker until they want to end the call worse than I do.
Now for my ALL TIME FAVORITE—so good it gives me shivers: I answer the phone, the telemarketer identifies himself and my immediate, urgent response goes like this...
“Oh, my god, how did you GET this number?!” I then hold the phone slightly away from my mouth and shout “Jim, quick! Plug in these coordinates. We have a breach in sector five!” I then return to my caller with... “Okay, I need you to remain calm, we'll have a unit there in just a few minutes. We'll try to make contact with them before they arrive, but don't be alarmed if they enter with guns drawn. Just stay on the line with me we'll get you through this.” I then take a deep breath and begin speaking to them in a voice that suggests they are four years old and have just poopied their pants. “Now, while we're waiting why don't you tell me a little about yourself...what's your favorite color?...”
Usually they hang up in a panic about the time I take my deep breath. A few times I've gotten to know enough about them I could almost feel guilty. Once, the call lasted 18 minutes, he gave me his social security number and I finally got exhausted and ended with the assurance that the onboard computer had determined this was a false alarm and we could all step down, “sorry for the inconvenience.”
Unfortunately, my opportunities have fallen off sharply. Rich is convinced that I'm the main reason telemarketing is becoming computerized. Bummer! Never fear, I'm working on a way to start F@#$ing with the computer calls.
I've been doing this for years and it's just good, clean fun. Since Rich has been homebound, he's starting to get with the program. Previously he just stared at me in awe as I played with telemarketers, shook his head and chuckled. Now Rich's favorite is the people selling supplemental insurance. He allows them to do their entire routine and when they conclude by asking if he has any questions he responds with “Well, yes...I have stage four pancreatic cancer. Will that be a problem?” There is usually a brief pause, then CLICK.
His other favorite is the calls he gets for cruise packages. Again he encourages their entire sales pitch and when they go for the close, Rich has just one question. “So does the ship have facilities so I can continue my chemo and radiation?” As they mumble and stumble Rich tries to rescue them with...”well if I die before the departure date, can I will my passage to someone else?” I'm a bad influence. Rich is way nicer than me. He has to be feeling really pissed to pull this one off and then afterwards he feels guilty.
Not me, baby. YOU called ME. You want to step into My world? Bring it. I do not pay a monthly fee for telecommunications so you can make a commission on sales. I can't stop you from calling and interrupting my sleep, serenity, or pleasant activity, but I sure can claim a measure of satisfaction. Forget the “Do Not Call List”. What a joke. Be BOLD. Reclaim the phone service you pay for and
have fun doing it!!
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