Lately I've been questioning my Faith. Not the source and focus of my faith but the practice of my faith. How strong is my faith really? How deep? It's difficult to measure such a thing since it's not constant, fluctuating day to day, sometimes moment to moment. But on the whole, looking on it over the course of the past 19 months, or the past 50 years, is my Faith as strong as it should be? As strong as I'd like it to be?
Of course my response is an immediate “YES!”. I say that with conviction, and what I feel is far stronger than anything I can express in words. Lately I've been questioning my Faith because I'm not entirely certain that my actions match my words and feelings. I've been moving forward with Rich's cancer on the absolute faith that we have some good years left to us here. Everyday is anchored by the steadfast belief that we will win this battle. I make sure everyone knows how sure I am of this, especially Rich.
Reality is that I'm all talk. (That absolutely sucks to admit.) I have not been moving forward in this battle as an act of faith. I have been swept up into a freight train that carries me full speed down the track helplessly. I do what I do because there's nothing else I can do, and I refuse to let go. That's not faith, that's just stubborn. I've come to the realization that since the day Rich was diagnosed I have prayed like hell, but I have not committed one single act of Faith, and that's the impotent bottom line.
My upbringing was strongly rooted in the Judeo-Christian bible. It was a good foundation. So when I think of faith, I think in biblical proportions—willing to sacrifice your own child, raising the dead, oil that burns for eight days, manna from heaven, mustard seeds moving mountains... that's what I'm talkin' about.
(like I said, it's a long commute and I'm not the only voice in the car.)
My dad liked the saying about what to do if your boat's in troubled waters....”Pray for rescue and row like hell.” That's been my mod us operand i. But that's not an act of faith, that's just common sense laced with desperation.
Jah-zeesus! Get to the point already!
My point is this, if I really have faith would I have gone back to work as ordered and left my invalid husband home alone to fend for himself when he can barely walk and refuses any help but mine? Or, would I have politely declined and stayed where I was needed, having faith that just like the sparrow, my needs would have been seen to? Such a financial miracle is pretty unlikely since I've heard that you have to buy a lottery ticket in order to win, and since I don't, THAT reduces my odds considerably.
I have to keep reminding myself that faith and miracles by definition have nothing to do with the odds.
Okay. Forget the miraculous windfall that keeps our financial boat afloat. Shouldn't I have chosen my husband's health and happiness over maintaining property? Put that simply I'm feeling quite pond-scummish. Wouldn't such a choice be an act of faith that no matter what happened, we would survive it somehow because no matter what we lost materially, we would have each other?
I should have made that act of faith, the giant leap into the unknown without safety or certainty. I should have had the Faith of a mustard seed, I should have believed I am as important as a sparrow. I should have done the right thing because it was the right thing to do, and had the faith that we would survive. Instead I did the safe thing. I'm not sure Safe can co-exist with Acts of Faith.
Lately I'm battling with this new awareness that my faith is just talk, but the voices are a rough crowd. There is one that argues for my efforts to do the best I can, but that's the frustrated lawyer of the group and he'll argue just for the sake of argument.
I haven't done the best I can if there's more I could do if I only had the courage to act on faith. Sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing to do is; harder still to admit it when you do know. I do think Faith is like Love—it's more powerful as a verb than a noun.
I'm beginning to think I will never again be reconciled to my faith until I walk my talk.
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