Inner voices

The Good News is that the Voices in my head have stopped talking to me.

The Bad News is that they're talking to each other and I can still hear them.


I have no more patience for radio commercials than I have for TV commercials. Most stories on NPR make me sad or angry. The CD player in my van doesn't work. All that's left are the voices in my head to still the silence of my 45 minute commute. (I tried talking to myself but it felt rude and embarrassing.) I've given up trying to ignore them. Sometimes I can distract myself with driving. Mostly I treat them like all the voices outside of my head—I pay just enough attention to what they're saying to keep from getting myself into trouble. Thankfully they're not much more annoying than the voices outside my head, they usually use better grammar, and they don't offer an option for Espanol.

This morning They were discussing a story we had heard this past weekend about a nice lady who is divorcing her husband so that her medical bills don't drive her husband's second generation family business into bankruptcy. The decision has nothing to do with and in no way impacts their relationship, it's simply an economic necessity. Medical bills, bankruptcy laws and the devastation that could effect extended family are forcing them to divorce. And you thought Gay Marriage was the ultimate threat to holy matrimony. Hah!

I sympathize with their plight. I myself have considered divorce in order to protect our assests from Rich's rising medical costs, creditors and creatures from Insurance Denial Lagoon. If it weren't for the health benefits from my job providing Rich's secondary coverage, we would have already lost our house. I just hope that that couple, and others like them, get their divorces before the powers that be catch on and lobby the legislature to close that loophole so the religious “right” can go back to blaming Gays for destroying the sanctity of marriage. Seriously. I know hundreds of divorced people. I have yet to hear any of them blame their divorce on the threat of Gay marriage. Ever. Not one. Okay...I know a few who divorced because one of them FINALLY accepted their sexual orientation, but that's a different matter entirely.

(Lest it appears that I digress, we remind you that this was a conversation and all the voices were participating.)

In no time the consensus in my van was that Rich did not marry well. At this point I opted out of the conversation and paid just enough attention to keep from getting myself into trouble. Besides which I had no argument strong enough to win the debate....the majority agreed that Rich should have married a US Senator or Congresswoman, thereby guaranteeing himself the BEST health plan in the world, (even after his spouse left office) with the lowest health care cost to value ratio. Not to mention all the other perks and extras. Short of that he could have married into welfare with an arguably lower quality of care but at the same low, low price. About this time the traffic becomes a pleasant distraction. It is not wise to contemplate deep thoughts on the state of health care in America while driving to a job in the health care profession. Luckily the conversation moved on to other topics.

Then they began discussing all the possible careers I could handle that would allow me optimum time to spend with him. I liked the idea of doing Stand Up, but even if I overcame my stage fright, Angry Female comics don't seem to do very well, with the possible exception of RoseAnne, and look what's happened to her. Rich would enjoy the travel, though. Writing would be great for the wonderful schedule and working out of my home, but it would take quite some time to get that established. However, one voice did point out that no one listens to me now, so why would they pay to read what I've written down? Good point.

Phone sex provider would be logistically convenient, but I know I couldn't keep from laughing 27 seconds into the call. I'd probably start lecturing the caller on better things he could be doing with his time and money.

Telemarketing is out. I have screwed with so many telemarketers in the past many years they probably have a BOLA out on me. Hey, it was just good, clean fun.

The bottom line is that I just don't have anything to offer that would coincide with our current needs. My finite skill set includes accounting, LPN, Reiki Master, excellent cook, and up until recently—really good housekeeper. Doubtful I will find someone to pay for me to work those skills from home.

Maybe it's not too late to hook Rich up with a Senator or Congresswoman. I'll google E Harmony.....

From Here to There

It only took one week of my being back to work for Rich to fall into depression. Not that I'm diagnosing, I assure you, but I've seen enough commercials for anti-depressants that I feel confident in my observations.

If he's awake when I leave he struggles with tears. When I get home he struggles with tears. Last night after I got home there were a few things I had to get done and he kept asking me if I would come and sit next to him when I was done. The laundry did not get done. I got as much done as I could while he ate the dinner I made him, then I let everything go and sat down beside him and we held hands. He clearly didn't feel like talking but by the time we went to bed he had told me eight times that he had missed me.

I've suggested having someone come in while I'm at work—a friend, family, home health aide. It makes him feel worse so I don't bring it up anymore. When I don't feel well, he's the only one I want so I know how he feels. He never complains and asks for so little. All he wants is me, and the answer is “no”.

So I'm back to drive time crying. I cry all the way to work because I've left him. I cry all the way home because I've missed another day of his life.

I started this blog with the intention of sharing our struggle in a positive, hopeful way for other people who might be going through the same thing. Now it seems to have degenerated into a non-stop pity party and I cannot express how much I hate that and how exhausted I am trying to change it. I do spend all my energy trying to be positive for Rich, positive at work, positive for family and friends (except two who accept me where I am), so by the time I get to the blog I have to release some pressure and purge some negativity. Sorry.

It's very hard feeling helpless. It's hard not being where you're supposed to be, doing what you feel you should be doing. It's hard watching someone you love suffer and struggle, worse when you can't be with them to care for and comfort them. It makes me question our definition of “civilized”. Are we more civilized to live in nice houses and drive nice cars and put our sick and elderly in nursing homes so we can continue to earn the price of such things? More civilized than those who live in huts and care for their loved ones from cradle to grave? I guess I don't know what “civilized” means. I just know that right now I can't be where I want and need to be, and I can't figure out how to get There. But I sure have worked hard to get Here.