I have not lost interest in the blog. I have been distracted by the insanity. Living in the Hell of my previous job I believe I had become numb to the insanity, as a boxer in the ring becomes numb to the blows. At some point, how do you distinguish one from the next? They all blur together.
Having some weeks to recuperate from those three years, the insanity is no longer a constant from punching in to punching out (pun intended) and I can now distinguish and ponder the snapshots of insanity as I encounter them. I think they're worth sharing....
There is a Canadian owned chain of gas stations in this area that has a round, PRINTED sticker on every gas pump that reads.... “Please PRE-PAY in ADVANCE”. What?!?! So I don't mistakenly think I can PRE-PAY AFTER I pump the gas?!!! I could almost tolerate such a sign if it were hand-printed with a red crayon and every third letter was backwards. But someone....SOMEONE had to design, order and PAY for those stickers AND they got fucking paid for doing that job!!!!!!. Therefore, it is not amusing, it is simply painful.
In the medical building I now work in, there is a practice with a sign on the door that reads... “Adult Geriatrics”. I have to pass this sign to get to my office. I pass it again when I leave. After several weeks it does not cease to be painful. My left eye now twitches three times twice a day—entering and leaving. Really? Really. “Adult Geriatrics”. To distinguish you from …. what? Childhood Geriatrics?????
Last week a patient called, a young twenty-something woman who wanted to know if the doctor could order lab work to see if she's allergic to tobacco.
“Why do you feel you need that test?” I asked s-l-o-w-l-y, and with great trepidation.
“Because,” she explained, “every time I smoke a cigarette I feel sick.”
Honest, to shitzky. Because, to quote Lewis Black, “I don't have the time or energy to make this shit up.” Do you have any idea what control it took not to give the first seven responses that rolled to the tip of my tongue in 3.7 seconds? I need a tongue guard or one of these days I'm just going to bite it off.
And what season is it, boys and girls? That's right, it's cold and flu season, which fills the void that follows the holidays. Every day I tuck a quarter in a special pocket in my purse each time a patient calls to tell me that they got a flu shot last fall and now they have the flu!! Like we intentionally injected them with a time-release virus on the off chance that business might be slow in January. I can now recite the warnings, mechanics and efficacy of flu vaccinations in my sleep. At a third grade level.
The Best however, is the call that begins with, “I need the doctor to call an antibiotic to my pharmacy.”
And I will point out that it is NOT a request. It is a demand.
I'm required to ask, but I already know the answer..... “because I have a cold.” By mid January I'm nearing triple digits on these calls and I want to reply “well if you're qualified to diagnose, why don't you just prescribe for yourself too?” (But when I'm at work, the Voices don't get a say—pun intended)
I never cease to be amazed that there are still people in developed nations who spend more time watching TV than I spend fantasizing and they don't know that a cure for the common cold has not been found. I patiently explain that a cold is caused by a virus, and antibiotics don't kill viruses. HELLO!!!! If there were a cure for the Common Cold, FOX News would spend four days spinning how the Liberals are going to use it to destroy the economy; CNN would spend four days spinning how the Republicans are trying to use it to destroy Health Care in America; and MSNBC would spend four days trying to figure out what the hell just happened and what level of credit goes to Microsoft.
Poor baby. You have a cold. Go to the drugstore, buy some over the counter pain relievers, throat lozenges, orange juice, drink plenty of fluids, use good hand hygiene, cover your cough, get plenty of rest and most importantly.... SUCK IT UP!! It's a cold, asshole. You're not dying. How do I know? Because unfortunately, the common cold is not Mother Nature's way of thinning the herd. It is, however, your body's way of getting your attention.
A Cold does what?.... It get's In your Face. It slows you down. It makes your Brain stop and pay attention to your Body. I like that. Why? Because the Body, Mind and Spirit should be in harmony, and when one of the three gets too big for it's britches, it needs to be taken down a peg or two. That's what a cold does. At least, that's what MY cold is doing now. It's making me slow down and listen.
At what point in our society did we come to believe that we're supposed to feel “great” every waking moment? That there is a pill for everything that ails us—body, mind, spirit, and access to that pill should be immediate? Where is the learning and growth in THAT concept?
Sometimes I wonder if reaching for that Magic Pill is just desperate longing for those memories of hot tea, toast, a coddled egg, warm soup, Mother's loving concern and tender touch during those brief episodes of childhood illnesses that wrapped us in a blur of hugs and blankets.
I have a cold. Only dynamite could unclog my sinuses. The tickle in my throat makes me cough and hack till my eyes run. Every time I blow my nose, my ears squeak. My hair hurts. It's been four days coming. So today should be the worst of it. Then it will be four days going. I've decided I'm going to stop and experience it fully. I may curl up on the couch all weekend and sip tea, nibble toast and watch Jane Austen movies and romantic comedies till I fold and watch “Dances With Wolves” for the 297th time. My body is extremely tired of obeying the demands of my brain and it is rebelling and I am going to stop and honor all it has been through and acknowledge what it needs.
I have a cold, and by god I am going to enjoy it.
