I've been a grandmother for a little over a year now with a grandson and two granddaughters. So far I suck at this.
First of all, when I look at them, I don't see babies. I see three unique human beings who are trying to get their bearings here. So in a gathering when people want to start passing them around like a joint, I get a bit annoyed. It doesn't seem necessary to their growth and survival that I hold, cuddle, caress or kiss them at every opportunity. On some level I don't understand, I think that makes me a non-starter as a grandparent. I try to make just enough contact, at a respectable distance, so that I won't be a complete stranger somewhere down the road when they're ready to interact with me.
I also lack the need or desire to tell my sons and daughters-in-law what they should or should not be doing as parents. Yet another failing on my part to hear others talk. I try to reinforce to them that they're doing a wonderful job because 1. they are, and 2. they are the only ones who know how to be their child's parents, and 3. I remember what it was like to be a new mother and everyone's unsolicited opinions don't help. Likewise, I don't feel it is their added job to make sure I get enough face time with their child. I fear I just appear disinterested which couldn't be further from the truth.
I attend as invited. But I'm not good at that either. At each of their First Birthday Parties, I struggled with the basic concepts. At the sight of the mountain of wrapped gifts all I could think was “Wow, I'm witnessing the birth of a future garage sale.”
Kenny was the first to have a birthday. He got into the groove of ripping the wrapping paper off the gift, but just as he was starting to enjoy it, the paper was taken from him so he could open the next gift. By the fifth gift he was done. I swear I could read his mind as he's thinking “fuck that, every time I get the paper you take it away from me.” He crawled away and found something else to play with. I was so proud. After that I couldn't deal with staying for the gift opening. Personally I feel it should be handled as with weddings—done in private.
And there's a new custom that was not en vogue when I was hosting birthday parties. The baby gets a “smash cake”. Olivia was disinterested. I smiled. Olivia is her own person. Maddie sat in her highchair in the center of the room, looked at the cake and then studied the mass of people around her for a clue, and they were happy to egg her on. Bright and eager to interact, Maddie quickly discovered that her adoring fans wanted her to engage her cake face first and yum it up. This is, after all, a major photo-op. All I could think was “yee-hah. The first step to childhood obesity and diabetes.” Seriously, if you'd seen the crowd, you would not judge me harshly.
Moments later I am downstairs with Kenny. He's just acquired walking skills and Mom was close by so he's pretty happy. He took the pristine paper napkin from his mom and studied it a moment, then ripped a piece off and handed it to someone. He continued this until everyone had a piece of the napkin and he was so delighted by everyone's gracious acceptance of his gift that he laughed and made sure everyone got a second piece. It was so wonderful to watch that it almost hurt my heart. I could have sat there and watched for hours while he honed his skills and learned new ones and studied his surroundings. From a respectable distance.
I don't and won't buy the grandchildren toys or clothes or candy. I opened a savings account for each of them and make a deposit at each event in their life. I'm not going to be the popular grandma, that's for sure.
I'm hoping and believing that down the road I'm going to be a good grandma. When they start talking I'm going to listen to all their stories. I'm hoping we'll color and paint together, and maybe they'll want to learn to knit or sew, or bake or garden with me. Until then, I'm content to wait on the edges, trying to make a good impression.
Grandmother in Training.
