Dear Baby

Last year, in the midst of Rich's chemo and radiation we learned that all three of my sons were expecting their first child. I was painfully aware of how fragile life is. I knew that if something unexpected were to happen to me, I wanted my grandchildren to know me--in my own words. So I wrote this letter to them...

Dear Baby

Welcome to Planet Earth
It’s cold in winter and hot in summer, so you’ll want to dress appropriately.
It’s very crowded here, so good manners are extremely helpful. When in doubt—its more important to be Kind than Right.
From Birth to toilet training you will go through approximately 6,000 disposable diapers. Going forward, please be more Green.

Your parents are very smart, lovely people and I highly recommend them to you, but you’re new here and you didn’t come with a manual.
They’re going to teach you our language, which is surprisingly easy until you have to start writing it down. And you’re going to teach them your language which is Crying. Eventually it will all come together for all concerned.

Basically, there are two sets of Rules …
We have People Rules and Earth Rules. In the beginning you’re mostly learning the Earth Rules—eating, sleeping, pooping and peeing. You’ll be great at it, and by the time you become an expert at those, you’ll start discovering the rest of the Earth Rules. Next you’re going to spend a lot of energy working out the Gravity and Inertia rules. Roll with it. Luckily you’re designed to endure the lessons being built low to the ground and pretty pliable. Mom and Dad will assist with the Boo-Boos. They also have amazing ways to protect you through this learning curve, even when you think you don’t need the help. Those are just the two main Earth Rules. There are a bazillion more and they are mostly really fun to discover. I especially like dragonflies and flowers. You’ll have your own favorites. One of the best is that the Sun sets every day and rises every morning. That means that every day you can count on Tomorrow. What a great rule. Every tomorrow is a fresh start. You know it will come, but you don’t know exactly what it will bring. And no matter how bad today is, you know you’re going to get a tomorrow. I call that Hope.

The People Rules are way more complicated, less certain, but necessary because of that “crowded” thing I mentioned. Take heart. There are a few basic ones that never fail…kindness, sharing, “please” and “thank-you”, personal hygiene, and “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you”. (I like that one). One of the keys is to follow the rules even when others don’t. It makes a difference. Trust me. Even if you don’t see the difference it makes, it still does. I think your parents have really got you covered on all of the above, but I’d like to clue you in on Parents.
First of all, they Love you above all else.
(NOTE: and for the record, if I ever hear that in a moment of anger you say to them “I didn’t ASK to be born!”—you and I will have issues that I will be happy to clarify.)
Really. And nothing will change that no matter how hard you challenge it. It’s just a fact you must accept and the wiser you are, the more quickly you will embrace and accept it. (This will make more sense after puberty.) For the first few years your parents will be the smartest two beings on the planet. Then you’ll reach about twelve or thirteen and they may at times appear to be total idiot losers. This is the time when remembering that it is more important for you to be kind than right is of the most value. If You are half smart and Very Lucky, your parents won’t suffer this period.
Puberty is better as a memory than as an experience. Everyone goes through it so try not to get discouraged. The biggest obstacle to it is the impatience of all concerned. Try to keep a sense of humor. It’s mother nature’s way of transitioning us from total dependence to total independence, and to really make it challenging she throws in a whopping dose of hormones.
But like all things this will change—another Big Planet Rule—Change. (more on that later). Take heart. The most amazing thing will happen when you reach your twenties. Your parents will once again become amazingly smart. Whew. You can take credit for that if you like.
I don’t think there is anything I can tell you about school that your parents would approve of. Except this: Be nice, pay attention and follow the rules. Some people think you’ll need the piece of paper they give you at the end of it. Especially if you want to go on to college, and the paperwork you get at the end of that is even more “valuable.” Some of the very brightest people who ever visited here never had a formal education, but it sure wasn’t easy for them. You’ll have to be twice as sharp and twice as tough if you want to by-pass the ‘formal education’ route. For some reason our society and most people in general are very impressed by the letters that follow your name. It’s not a bad thing so long as you are not impressed by the letters at the end of your name. Just think of them as special tickets to enter the places you want to go. Not completely necessary but pretty convenient. Lest you be caught up in their importance, always remember that Moses, Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha managed quite well without them.

In my humble opinion, the best education is the one you carve out for yourself. This requires that you read. Read, read, read. (If I could only recommend one book to you it would be “Illusions” by Richard Bach.) Explore with a passion. Listen. Contemplate. Then read some more. Never be afraid to take a step back and reconsider your position. My mother used to say…”don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you read.” (I think she stole that quote from someone else). It’s not bad advice tho, and in today’s age of technology I would add, “be wary of what you see.”
Try not to think in absolutes—good or bad, black or white. Few things are that simple, and you’ll miss out on all the colors and shades.

Which leads my thoughts to Religion. I am quite certain there is nothing I can tell you about this that your parents would approve of. But I feel I must, so very carefully I will share this… Don’t confuse God with Religion. Religion is man made. God just Is. Religion is a box that man makes to try and fit God into. This leads to war. I’m not saying religion is bad—only what people do with it. Religion should not be a club that you use to beat other people over the head with. Think of your relationship with God as just as special as your relationship with your spouse—you don’t need to blab it all over. And don’t confuse religion with faith and spirituality. “Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who have already been there.” I don’t know who said that but it rings true for me. I am NOT saying to dismiss and avoid religion, only keep it in perspective. Every religion is a wonderful suggestion for the Path to God, but No one can facilitate your relationship with God better than you and God.

Time. Some will argue it’s an Earth Rule, others think it’s more of a People Rule. I think it’s both. Either way you have to work with it. It seems to me that there is Big Time (Earth Rule) and Little Time (People Rule). Little Time is the straight lines between event A and event B. Watches and clocks are very useful for this and help maintain order and convenience for everyone involved. Big Time is circles, like ripples on a pond--some big, some small, but very fluid. These are the circles that measure your life, whether it’s a small circle like a day, or a larger one like a year. Some days you focus on the straight line and you travel from event to event until you arrive at your destination. Some days you focus on the circle where you stand in the center and watch it all move around you and the focus becomes the journey rather than the destination. With practice you can learn to experience Time as both a line and a circle at the same time. With skill you can manipulate them both. I believe this is an instinct we’re born with but we lose it in the effort to master gravity and inertia. I feel I must warn you that Time speeds up with age. When you are nine, the first 24 days of December move at a snails pace. When you reach your fifties entire seasons pass in the blink of an eye. Someone probably told me this when I was young but I failed to grasp it. Now I find it’s true.

Space. Can’t really help you with this one. You’ll have to explore it on your own and consult the experts for more in depth analysis. But be advised that people can be very particular about “their” space. Some require more space than others, some guard their space more than others, and some can be downright prickly about it. This is one of those areas where good manners are very helpful. Sometimes you must tread cautiously. Always tread politely.

Okay. Change—a function of Time. It’s going to happen, just like tomorrow. So there’s no point in being afraid or resistant. It really is easiest just to go with the flow and always look for ways to make the best of it. Totally possible. It’s kind of like weather. You can enjoy the rain, or hate the rain. The choice is yours. So you might as well enjoy it because the Rain doesn’t care. And there’s always tomorrow… You cannot force change you can only facilitate it. And life will be simpler if you remember that you cannot change another person, you can only change yourself.
Mistakes…. They will happen, with or without you, but usually with your help. Just remember that NO mistake is more important than how you recover from it. This is where laughter Really helps.
Since we all make mistakes, there’s going to be somebody else on the other side of the mistake. Even when there’s no mistake involved there will be times when you’ll just not be happy with the way things are going. Which leads me to “Fair”.

Life isn’t Fair. Fair is a festival with food and music that is usually happening somewhere else—a nice place to visit but after awhile it would get boring to live there. I mean, no matter how great the Circus is, somebody has to clean up the elephant poop. So given that Life isn’t Fair, I have one very important Personal Rule about this-—NO Whining. It IS , however, entirely appropriate to have the occasional Pity Party, provided no else must attend and bring a gift. Think of a Pity Party as a very special occasion that should only happen once or twice a year and only for very good reason.
The good news is that while Life isn’t Fair, it does demand Balance. Balance is an Earth Rule that ranks right up there with Gravity and Inertia. The pendulum must swing. On rare, special occasions there is immediate correction of imbalance (“unfairness”) and when you get to witness it, it is truly delightful. Mostly tho, balance can take a long time (so life doesn’t seem fair). Right now, in 2010, there’s so much talk in this country about “illegal immigrants”—people who just come to this land uninvited, refusing to speak the language, changing our culture, consuming resources while contributing little more than over-crowding, crime and general discord. I assure you that 400-500 years ago the people of this land were having the same discussions. It just wasn’t in English. So what they suffered from our ancestors then, we are suffering now. I think that’s what is meant in the Bible by….”the sins of the fathers shall be visited upon the sons.” I call this Balance.

Basically, life is easier (and more enjoyable) if you accept the Rules. And you do get to make your own Personal Rules. Mine are:
#1. Show Up. That means make your very best effort to arrive where you’re supposed to be (on time!) and be 100% present once you get there.
#2. Know when to Leave. ..whether it’s a party, a job, a relationship or a situation. This will prevent a lot of mistakes on your part, especially in your teen years.
#3. No Whining. You may think it feels good at the time, and unfortunately it does seem to get results in the short run, but it is truly ugly and very annoying to others.
#4. Always, always, always trust your intuition, while remembering that in your first couple of decades it’s pretty raw and developing. But the older you get, and the more you use it, the stronger and more dependable it becomes.
Those are just a few of mine, and certainly not ones you have to adopt for yourself.

Your thoughts, opinions and beliefs are your own and you’re entitled to them. But trying to impose them on others is merely your ego running amuck. I implore you to never use this line on your parents unless you are at least 27 years old. And should you ever find yourself desperately needing to say it out loud to anyone, say it nicely.

I’m not the best person to comment on people because I’m not a “people person”, but I do try. I have discovered that if I dislike someone, it is helpful to stop and ask myself if what I dislike about them is something I don’t want to admit about myself (present or lacking). Also remember that not everyone is going to like you, and the ones who like you today may not like you tomorrow, so conserve your energy and direct it wisely. The people who are the center of you universe in high school won’t remember your name just a few years down the road, unless of course you become famous, and other people shouldn’t be the reason you become famous. It’s easier if you just be nice to everyone, and I do mean everyone. (You never know what form the Divine might take.) Even if they don’t deserve or appreciate it, your efforts build your character and reputation and those two things you carry with you always and they are priceless.
It’s good to have friends, but always remember that you are your Number 1 BFF. Because no matter how many people come and go, you have to live with you forever. (that’s a long time)

There are assholes. There just are and I wish I had a cure, but I don’t. But having endured so much exposure, I can tell you this…They are no match for you if you keep your wits about you. A little trick I’ve learned—always face an asshole with calm, assertive energy. Be peaceful and mindful that you do not own their behavior. Adopt a total inner energy that you are merely observing a bug dancing a jig. In pink underwear. Once they sense they cannot create anger in you and suck the energy, they will go off in search of easier victims. Why? Because no one can disrespect you without your consent.
(NOTE: For audio/visual supplement watch “Forrest Gump”.)

Your best tool in dealing with assholes is Silence.
The common denominator in your experiences with people (and all of Life really) is You. You will find what you seek. If you look for the negative, you’ll find it. I recommend you focus on the positive. You can always find it even if you have to look really hard, and it’s always worth the effort. You decide. I hope you choose to be positive. Being negative just makes you miserable and annoys the people around you.
You attract what you project. Some people think “seeing is believing”. I think “believing is seeing.” And I have way too many trinkets in my bag of magick to share with you on this point.

So tread carefully when it comes to judging others. You don't know the path that brought them to where they are. If you’re going to assume anything, assume that they are doing the best they know how and accept the free lesson on how not to behave.

It’s always okay to be scared. It happens and it’s a helpful little mechanism in your brain that keeps you from doing really stupid things. The trick is this. You control the fear, the fear does not control you.

It’s okay to want things. Humans would never progress if they didn’t want more than what they have. The trick is this. You define your wants, don’t let your wants define you. This is a real balancing act. Progress vs contentment. Good luck. Maybe this will help… It’s more important to want what you Have, than to have what you Want. Our world is littered with landfills containing zillions of items that were wanted for mere seconds, and nature has not yet evolved an organism that can consume all that plastic.

You have a place here on Earth. Everyone does. It will be up to you to define and create your place and your impact. You will create and leave an impact on everything and everyone you touch. The size of that impact doesn’t matter as much as the flavor of it. You don’t need to focus on that fact every waking minute, but I ask you to think about it regularly and often. Maybe at the end of each day just before you remember tomorrow.

So who am I to be telling you all of this? I am your grandmother. Hereafter known as “D-G” (stands for Daddy Grandma) I have no rights or responsibilities here whatsoever, save those that you and your parents give me. I’m hoping to earn every one of them. I’m pretty ragged around the edges, I have earned every one of my wrinkles, gray hairs, bumps, bruises and lasting scars. I work everyday to make them mean something, sometimes with success. I continue to make mistakes, I’m just quicker to recover (I’d like to think)
I bring to you a genetic background that I am shamefully proud of. Much Irish, with a heaping dollop of Cherokee—so many stories to share (if you like), best told on a rainy day, curled up together in a blanket with tea and scones. But I am just a small piece of the puzzle that is now You.

You have so much to discover, experience, explore and accomplish. If the sky falls on my head tomorrow and I am not hear to boar you with my stories, just know that I loved you before you were born. I loved you when your father was in my belly, when you were just a twinkle in your daddy’s eye and a smile on your mamma’s lips.

All I ask of you is this… Please don’t be an asshole (except in fleeting moments we all have in learning that can’t be helped). Never give up hope—there’s always tomorrow, Now is Not Forever.
Always know that no matter how badly I do, I’ll do my best. I’ll always give you what I know, but the bottom line is… I could be wrong.

FAQ # 1

I can't believe I've reached a point in this blog where I'm addressing FAQs.

FAQ #1. Does Rich read the blog?

A: I have offered the blog to him several times. At first he couldn't read the blog because his vision was severely compromised as he was coming out of the sepsis. Then he was really tired and couldn't focus mentally. Little by little he started getting feedback from people who let him know how much they were enjoying the blog. Rich would nod and offer his standard response on knowing how wonderful I am. I offer the blog as an open book to him, and he politely declines. He doesn't need to explain.

Rich has been VERY supportive of my blog since before he remembers being supportive of the blog. We occasionally discuss the blog in passing as in I keep him updated on the limited responses I get and he reinforces how glad he is that having the blog is helpful to me.

Occasionally he will comment on a funny incident with “you'll have fun blogging THIS”. Or “Wow, that is so good, it's too bad you can't BLOG that!”

I sense his reluctance to read it as a matter of respect to me. I think he views reading my blog like reading my journal and he doesn't want to invade that sacred space. I remind him that the blog is ON THE INTERNET. But really, at this point, that's like having it IN THE ETHER. I'm fairly anonymous at this point, and it's not like anyone really cares.

I think he fears that if I know he's reading it that I will censure my writing and he really wants me to “LET 'er FLY”

Also, I think deep down he's afraid to know how all of this has affected me. Patients can feel tremendous guilt for the hardships their condition causes others. He remembers very little of the worst of this ordeal. His memory begins approximately 15 days into his hospitalization. He has NO memory of the ambulance ride, the ER, Comfort Care, talking to the doctor and requesting treatment, the PICU, the MICU, central lines being placed; no awareness of the battles I fought, the gut wrenching fear, the insanity of his care. He remembers one day waking up in a regular room and a few days later he came home.

He has been struggling so hard to get back to me that he has no energy at this point to reminisce on the struggle. Mainly I think it's very hard for him to contemplate how difficult this has been for me. He can deal with his own pain and suffering, he just can't deal with mine. Isn't that how it is when you love someone?

On some OTC (other than conscious) level I probably do write more freely knowing Rich is not reading it. Consciously I just write. If he ever reads the blog I hope he understands and/or forgives me.

I try very hard to be honest in my blog even when I'm way less than proud of my thoughts, words or actions. I want other mates of cancer patients to benefit. Everything “out there” focuses on the patient, and I want to bring something to the table for those of us who care for patients we love. At the same time I want to respect Rich's privacy. Then I worry that the blog is too much about me, and I have to remind myself that this blog is for all of the people out there who share my role.

You learn quickly that it is ALL about the patient. For every twenty people who ask you how your mate is doing, ONE will ask how YOU are doing. All of the health care providers are focused on the patient. While they will find the time to convey orders to you, they have neither the time or concern for your questions, needs or fears. If you're a “people person” there are groups to join. I'm not a “people person”, so I'm trying to be the support I would like to have.

Rich gets that. He understands that this blog is not about him. It's about our journey and it's intended to help other people on the same path. He's says he's proud of me and what I'm doing. He says, “let 'er fly...”

I get that he doesn't want or need to read it. I don't have the time or money for therapy and Rich understands that I have claimed this as my personal form of therapy. The fact that it's being projected into the ether means precious little considering current feedback and following.

At this point in time this blog is an open book that Rich has not yet explored. We're both content with the current understanding.

Next question....

Happy Anniversary, love

Today is our fourteenth anniversary. I don't know what the 14th Anniversary signifies. I know it's not paper, silver or gold. In our world every anniversary is dinner at Prime, (fka Anthe's in Portage Lakes).

For the past three years we used to meet there every Friday night when I got off work to celebrate the weekend. Since his near death experience, we've been there once for lunch on his insistence. He was in the midst of that week of hallucinating and doesn't remember being there.

We've always been treated like royalty there, so you can imagine the loving care we've received since Rich's diagnoses. Cindy, JoAnne and Tina have made many wonderful gestures, from cards to special strawberry milkshakes. Since new management, its gotten even better. It's like being at Cheers with amazing food.

JoAnne was thrilled to see us and seat us and just the hint of Rich's chills had her seating us with Rich directly in front of the fireplace. Rich was basking in the warmth, smiling. I was opposite him, well right of the fire place, peeling down to my tee shirt and praying for a respite from hot flashes. We felt almost normal.
The food and service was perfect as always (I swear I have no financial stake in this place and I receive no reimbursement for this blog).

I worked really hard to steer the conversation in the direction of a normal, happy anniversary, and Rich seemed happy to follow my lead. But it's not helpful to ignore the ever-present elephant in the room, and so I gave the devil his due. After we marveled at our wonderful fourteen years and touched on the winding path we've traveled, I asked him if he thought cancer had changed us. He said he was really glad I had asked. He didn't have a ready answer. I think he was just relieved that I could talk about it in a way that makes it less important than everything else we have.

After serious discussion we determined that cancer has had less impact than one would expect. It hasn't made us love each other more. That happens every day regardless for fourteen plus years. It hasn't made us stop taking each other for granted. We've never done that. We have always said Please and thank you to each other, we've always treated each other with the same respect and courtesy we would give to a stranger or visiting dignitary. It hasn't improved our communication. We've always been like “two old women over tea”. We have always talked and chatted about everything from the mundane to politics to current events, the metaphysical, our dreams, our hopes, our fears. We've always been Best Friends.

Cancer has not enhanced or diminished any facet of US. It simply has become a new facet of no greater size or importance in our hearts, though granted it is a bit time-consuming and physically draining.

TMI Alert!!! I'll try to be sensitive and genteel. At the same time, I feel a responsibility to be honest for those who may be struggling with this situation. Because no one in the medical profession will address this aspect of your ordeal. Your sex life will come to a screeching halt with dust swirling, skid marks and a deafening explosion in the back of your brain. Fortunately you won't notice any of this until the dust settles and miles and months down the road you are able to take a breath, sip coffee with pleasure rather than desperation and out of nowhere you are aware that the last time you made love was the last time. I vividly remember that moment. It was last week.

Someone at work wanted to take my picture—despite my argument that such an act would not be appreciated by my witness protection program. To get me to smile she said, “think of sex”. I felt I had been slapped in the face. Up until that point I had not thought of sex. Being told to think of sex, I suddenly heard the screeching halt, the explosion in the back of my brain, and the dust swirled about me.

Fear not—I will not go into details of my personal relationship with Rich anymore than I will discuss my personal relationship with my Creator. I will simply state that like any truly loving relationship, our love was properly and completely translated into the physical up until July 7, 2010.

When the physical changes, the heart finds new ways to translate expression. Simple touch—a hand to a cheek, cuddling on the couch, holding hands....kinder, softer words. Focusing on day to day survival pretty much strangles one's libido. (Which leaves me pretty much confused by the starving in India procreating)

Being a man, Rich has a much harder time dealing with our current limitations. He feels he is disappointing me. I'm grateful he's alive. I keep trying to convince him that making love has very little to do with orgasms. I don't think men get that. I keep telling him that “this” isn't happening to him—it's happening to US—no blame, no harm, no foul. I'll be honest. I very much miss that aspect of our relationship, but I miss it for Both of us, not just me. Without Rich's desire, I have no desire. I am now totally content with each day that he feels better, his smile, his laugh.

If he doesn't get with the program soon I plan on spending three hours contemplating the beauty of his left knee. After extensive kissing, carressing, and adoration of his left knee I predict he will reach total exacerbation at which time I will loudly announce.... “What are you saying?!?! It's only a Body Part? Hmmm.... Too much focus on a mere Body Part? Gee. How will we, as a loving couple, survive without due attention to this Body Part?” Knowing Rich I won't get past the second line before I get a smack upside my Jethro Gibbs haircut.

It's important to TALK about this with your mate. It's important to talk down all those scary words, expectations, feelings and fears. Your mate's imaginings are far worse than the reality. It's like anaerobic organisms. They thrive in the lack of oxygen. Expose such things to oxygen and they wither and die. Expose your fears to discussion and the two of you together can conquer the threats, freeing up more energy to fight the cancer. That's the insidious evil of cancer. It paralyses you with fear and silence so you can't fight.

I've found that the best approach for us is rather than asking Rich to tell me how he feels, I tell him that I need my best friend (him) to listen to how I feel. Since women are better verbally, this approach works really well. I use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. I think he feels less threatened with this and then he opens up and we can really talk.

Today is our anniversary. Fourteen wonderful years. The longest honeymoon I could have imagined. We had a lovely dinner in our tradition. We had a lovely talk and we laughed and celebrated all we've been blessed with and all we've survived. To consider that the “last time” was indeed The LAST Time, seems very inconsequential to me. As long as I can look in his eyes and see how much he loves me... I'm fine.

Another Long week

It's been a long week. Life is getting in the way of my blog. I'll bring you up to speed.

It may have been a good thing that I was denied my request for four weeks of unpaid personal leave in order to get Rich back up to speed. Why? Because I would not have wanted to miss what's happening there at work, and I probably wouldn't believe it if they told me.

There are two of us in the nurse triage office. We handle incoming calls, which are fairly high volume, prescription requests from a recorded line and all the fax requests from pharmacies, insurance companies, etc. We have to write each request as “an encounter” in the electronic medical record system, send it to the doctor for approval and then process it after the doctor responds. We have over twenty doctors ranging from Attendings to first year residents. A large number of these messages have to be handled three, four times depending on the doctor's experience and expertise. I'm trying to paint a picture with as few words as possible.

Up until I went on FMLA, our worklist hovered between 50 and 100 items at all times, the phone never stopped ringing, and there were always messages on the prescription line, or our individual voice mails, waiting to be addressed.

In the past week, the well has dried up. Our work list has been maintained at zero to five items for over a week. The phone barely rings, and even on Monday and Friday (when we are usually swamped with Rx refill requests), I could process them all in twenty minutes. Last Friday I cleaned the office. We now beg each other for work, and are close to fighting over tasks on the worklist. Apparently it is equally slow out on the modules where nurses are rooming patients for the doctors because they are now taking items off of our worklist to fill the empty spaces in their day.

We have never been this slow the day after Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve, and certainly not for over a week straight. I've lost count of how many days and half-days they have given me to stay at home. Unfortunately, they're gifted to me the afternoon before so I can't schedule any of his appointments. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying...

Einstein was right. The less busy you are, the slower the day goes.

I now have more time to ponder cloud formations and study the tree in front of our office window.

On Tuesday I dropped my cell phone in the toilet. It's complicated. I was standing next to the toilet (before using it!) and decided to investigate the needle like sensation at the base of my left shoulder blade, and in the course of trying to get my hand contorted to the task, my phone JUMPED out of my scrub jacket pocket and went for a swim. I retrieved it in a flash, pulled off the back, removed the battery and started drying it as best I could. I left it apart to air dry all day. On Wednesday afternoon, because I was given Wednesday afternoon off, I went to my cellular provider. After several attempts they were able to retrieve NOTHING. I have a new cell phone, which always entails a learning curve, and 95% of my contacts are lost because I had not gotten around to writing them down. Before you ask, I had purchased the drowned phone years ago before any of the providers offered Backup.

I took the whole thing well. Rich was in shock tinged with fear at how well I took the whole thing. I actually went to the mall without whining. Rich sat on the bench nearby as I stood at the keoske and chose my new phone with a speed that made the salesman's head spin. I did it all with grace and smiles.

Without effort I was immediately reconciled to the loss of contacts. If the Universe wants you to stay in touch, those people will call you. I barely gave a thought to the loss of all the photos, even of my grandbabies... Rich has all those in his phone too, he can forward them to you.

The only pain I felt was the loss of my ringtone. Years ago when I was working nights, I spent one entire rainy afternoon off searching for and finally obtaining the most perfect ringtone...... “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.” Since that day, EVERY time my cell rings, for a split second I think ...WoooHooo! My Ride is HERE!! and I'm sublimely happy. Now? I just don't think I have the energy to go on that ringtone quest again.

Thursday night I learned yet again to NEVER EVER EVER let my guard down. How embarrassing that I needed THAT refresher course. I thought I finally had a situation in place that would solve the current situation of caring for Rich and keeping my sanity, but that fell through and instead of being mentally prepared for anything, I was devastated. I should have known better than to count on anything that hasn't happened yet. Worse yet, someone totally innocent who was just trying to help me was devastated by the ugly turn of events every bit as much as I was.

Friday night my brother and his mate came down to console me. Alicia brought her tools and gave me a haircut that I love, so I now have the Jethro Gibbs look going again (except mine is shorter). I just have to remember that the haircut does NOT bestow the right to whap people up the backside of the head when they demonstrate Stupid. Just as well since I get too many opportunities and not enough time.

Summing up... I am back to square one...living in Hell with nothing to fall back on but Plan B, which is reorienting myself to living in Hell and finding ways to make it fun and happy. The whole cell phone thing. But gosh darn, life is good because I get an extra hour of sleep this weekend. And I don't have to go in Monday unless they call me at 08:00 because someone called off. I have nothing to bitch about.