Con-Fun-Med

I want to tell you how wonderful it is to have finished my time in hell at the Consortium of Funtime Medicine. But my mother always said, “if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.”

How stupid is that?! If everyone followed THAT rule there would be no warnings on medications, tobacco products or ladders. Pah-LEEZ!

If anything deserves a warning label it is the Consortium of Funtime Medicine. Postal workers have less risk of mental/emotional meltdown than a caring, cognizant being trying to function within the parameters of Con-Fun-Med.

I WILL say that I've never been one to bitch about a situation without offering ideas for improvement. I offered that positive energy for many, many moons before I realized that I was trying to teach a pig to sing—I'm frustrated, the pig gets cranky and the results are less than pleasing.

Some people like to talk about what they would do if they won the lottery. A handful of us caring, cognizant beings liked to talk about what we'd do if we could overhaul the Con-Fun-Med. Edited down to it's best, it goes like this....

First we'd hire a director with balls. Whether in the form of gonads or ovaries—got's ta have balls. Why? Because I don't care where you work or what your mission statement is, there needs to be rules. Society in general and human nature particularly needs rules. So you need someone in charge who can enforce rules. And if there are different sets of rules for each and every person in the group, well, you're just fucking with disaster. More on that later.

Second, I would have one person in charge of the residency program and a different person in charge of patient care. Why? Because there is a MAJOR conflict between the two which results in harm to both.

Third, I would hire a liaison between the Residency Director and the Clinical Director, and the three would have equal power. A triumvirate if you will. Why? Because there needs to be a tie breaker, and when you're dealing with doctors, any single ego can create a gravitational pull that can create a Black Hole which will eventually result in the phenomenon exemplified by the Con-Fun-Med.

Next....I would I hire an office manager. Why? Because a teaching practice of 22 doctors, 9 nurses, 5 medical secretaries and 5 office staff really could use an office manager to organize the nuts and bolts of running an office. If nothing else, someone who knows how to order office supplies. Just a thought.

The rest of the staff, with minor exceptions is good to go.

Next I would implement Rules. My Rules may seem ridiculous, obvious and not worth mentioning, but trust me. At Con-Fun-Med, they need to be mentioned.

Rule #1. No one shall speak to a co-worker in any manner less than respectful. This includes doctors. Regardless of your name, title, tax bracket, letters following your name, you WILL speak to co-workers with the same tone and respect that you expect from them, and that you would use with patients/customers.

Rule #2. If drug companies are catering lunch for Con-Fun-Med....they are catering for ALL employees. There is no “back of the bus”, “scraps from the table” mentality. If We're a family, then we will behave as a family. Which means everyone is welcome at the table and gossip and backstabbing will occur covertly and heaven help you if you're caught at it.

Rule # 3. Your job will be defined for you and if you are unwilling or unable to perform your duties then appropriate action will be taken up to and including termination. This includes showing up to work sober, doing your job and not dumping YOUR responsibilities on co-workers. Regardless of your title or sense of entitlement.

Rule #3, Paragraph A.... Nurses are not responsible for diagnosing, prescribing meds and/or correcting the med list. Office staff is not responsible for divining what tests doctors want done. Only the office manager, if one is ever hired, is responsible for office supplies, equipment, work flow, protecting staff from abuse and all things related to the workings of an office. At least that's what the HR folks told us.

Rule #4...If the Triumvirate is going to Preach Teamwork, then they must exemplify Teamwork. That means that every member of the team is valuable and deserving of respect.


Ah yes....that is My dream world. That is what I spent three years striving for, praying for, working for. Then one day you realize that it's time to stop taking your bucket to a dry well.

What was the turning point? Little by little, bit by bit... like water over rock.... Maybe it was the week I returned to to work from FMLA after begging and being denied four weeks of unpaid leave because Rich's doctor's felt it was critical to his care.... I came back and discovered we were all struggling to find work because things had become that slow..... No....wait......... perhaps it was that magical email that went out to ALL 3,000+ employees of this major medical center of which Con-Fun-Med is a part... A precious email detailing the horrible plight of a resident battling cancer and the plight of his family. In this email was a plea to buy raffle tickets for a BMW being raffled off to raise funds for this doctor and his family.

I felt slapped in the face. Not because someone was coming to the aid of this resident and his family, but because I was denied four weeks of unpaid leave to take care of my husband with stage four pancreatic cancer who needed additional care because the Infectious Disease Idiot in charge had run my FMLA into the ground while he “practiced medicine.”

But shame on me. I now realize that I should be giving thanks that in the entire employee population of one of the top 50 medical centers in the US, there is only one employee who is suffering at a level that warrants raffling off a BMW. I now feel WAY better about my situation. When Rich is now doubled over in pain I calmly remind him that if things were REALLY bad, someone at CMGA would have stepped up and raffled off a Schwinn bicycle for us. So suck it up, dude, we're good.

Hell is behind me. Everyday it is covered with another layer of dust in my memory. Yesterday I got a card from the residents I worked with. I will put it in my Sacred Scrapbook, because it is a special treasure to me.

So this post is dedicated to the following...

To Jill Sutton for being the sweetness I found at Con-Fun-Med; Kami Rodgers for being someone I would ALWAYS want on my team; Judy Hinkle and Judy McKinney for the constant kindness they showed me.

To Dr Lear for being the one person at Con-Fun-Med who totally got my sense of humor and for showing me that working with a doctor could be a positive experience and not just an exercise in masochism.

To the residents... Dr. Robert Belluso who got me through my first year at Con-Fun-Med in spite of Wasif; to Dr. Margaret Mercado who saved my brother from a 22 pound tumor and was always so very kind to me; to Dr Pierre Dalumpines who made me laugh when I most needed it; to Dr Asjad Ali and Dr Javaria Asif and Dr Jeffery Peiffer who always displayed tender respect to me; to Dr Lauren Burns who delivered my first granddaughter; to Dr JoAnne Francisco and Dr Adrienne Hester and Dr Nina Thalody for their wonderful, warm, gentle energy that comforted me on SO MANY occasions;

to Dr Kelli Peiffer who continues to do more for me than I can ever express;

and especially for Dr Brad Everly for being my soul mate in hell, my son from another mother, providing chocolate, coffee and hugs in unlimited supply. And the beautiful card.

Wonderful doctors all. I LOVE you guys. I am so proud to have been a part of your residency and I pray you will never forget me. In a good way.

As Richard Bach said.... “when you love someone, there's no such place as far away....”