Scarey Words

Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer.....

I say those four words out loud (or write them) every chance I get as you've probably noticed.

There's a reason.

If you keep your scarey words (whatever your scarey words may be) locked up in your head, they will play in your brain 24-7, feeding on your fear, growing daily more powerful until they've got a full-blown party going, and any good party will draw a crowd, so the next thing you know you're not just dealing with those four scarey words. Now you're entertaining entire sentences, scenarios and certainties. There are so many guests at the party they can no longer be fed on the Present so you start drawing on the Future. And where does THAT lead?! That's right, the Land of What IF?!

That, my friend, is the path to ruin—a muddy, slippery, rutted road, dotted with mud puddles that are in fact quick sand. Even the moss-covered rocks along the side of the path are dangerous and deceptive. You think it's a soft place to take a rest and regain strength, but in fact it is a Pity Party Lure. Because in the Land of What IF, there is no regaining strength—there's just the occasional Pity Party Pause along the edges of the Road to Ruin to distract you from the Grand Ball going on inside.

Before you know it, and without a warning sign at the curve, your spirit is weakened and you are careening towards Despair, which is just a downhill slide towards Resignation. And then you're done.

The first few hours and days after the Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer appeared we said those words a lot. They almost became one word. We repeated them out loud to ourselves, to each other, and we used them exactly and precisely each time we had to let someone know what our new path was. We didn't plan, discuss or decide to do this. One does not usually plan ahead for the intrusion of BIG scarey words. It seems that at first it was simply a matter of disbelief. We had to say them out loud to make it real in our minds. You don't go from vital, healthy, and active to Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer in the blink of a cholesterol check and CAT Scan without some element of disbelief.

We did flirt with total Denial, but we ruled that out almost immediately. If the whole thing WAS a mistake, Denial wasn't going to help; if it wasn't a mistake, Denial would definitely hinder us. Denial dismissed and we began thinking clearly.

One of the first things we discovered, quite by accident, was that saying the scarey words out loud made them less scarey. Not sure exactly how we stumbled on that. I think it was visceral. Each time we said the words out loud, the words became easier to say. Therefore, each time we said the words out loud we were less stressed and fearful—blood pressure, pulse, and breathing all slowed accordingly. Our physical bodies were responding to the fearless power that grew each time we said the words out loud. As our power grew over the words, Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer weakened—at least in our hearts and minds. And really, isn't that where the real battles are won and lost?

Within 72 hours Rich took my hand, looked me in the eyes and said calmly and certainly, “this isn't going to beat me. I have cancer; cancer does NOT have me.”

Okay. Admittedly brave words from someone who has not yet faced three liver biopsies, major surgery, chemo, radiation or the shit storm that comes with all of the above. But I am not the only witness to the credibility and steadfastness of that statement. I further assure you that no one can claim otherwise.
We had gained so much power over the scarey words that by the time liver biopsies, 24-hour urine tests, multiple blood draws and daily Reiki treatments had transformed generic Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer into a rare form of neuro-endocrine cancer.... it just didn't seem to matter anymore. Another liver biopsy and more bloodwork to confirm that they still weren't “SURE” of what they were dealing with... and it just didn't matter. While the medical professionals were replacing These scarey words with Those scarey words, we kept focusing on healing and protecting us from Any scarey words.

We had a great team of professionals in place. I had done my version of background checks on all of them and was satisfied that they were our best hope for battle. We discussed every step with them, but the bottom line is, it's a leap of faith. We knew we couldn't do this alone, but we also knew we had to stay active and in control. You for damn sure can't walk that tightrope with heavy, scarey words trying to trip your balance.

So you dismiss the scarey words and discard the labels and focus on restoring Body, Mind and Spirit to a state of Balance. The result is that you transform from victim to warrior...the first step to walking in grace.