Lines and Circles

When I started this blog I felt I should attempt it in a chronological order since most people seem to prefer things in that order. I tried. But I've gotta say, it's just not working for me. All through school I hated history because it was represented on every third page of the text book as a straight line with dated hash marks. It wasn't until I learned to lose the “timeline” that I learned to love history.

Rich is German so he perceives Time as fixed and linear--we move in one direction along the line, from point to point, event to event. We remember the hash marks of significance, and the spaces between the hash marks become dulled blurs of walking the line.

I, on the other hand, view Time as fluid and circular, like ripples on a pond. Now is the center of the circle where the tossed stone broke the surface...surrounded by a circle that is This Hour, surrounded by a larger circle that is This day, surrounded by a larger circle that is This Week, then This Month, then This Season, Year, Decade, Life. Depending on where I stand in the center, I can imagine the future, or remember the past, or experience all that is simultaneously happening within any particular circle. Which is not to say that I perceive myself as the Center of the Universe. I perceive Now as the Center of Time. I think that's why I enjoy rain so much...each drop breaking the surface of the water, creating it's own ripples that flow out and intermingle with the circular ripples of other drops. Rain reminds me that I am not the only drop that is experiencing the Now, and that my circles spread out and affect others.

All of this to explain that I can no longer continue this blog in a linear fashion. Going forward I will need to focus on the circles rather than the hash marks.

Allow me then to clarify. Rich was diagnosed with Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer on

March 10th, 2009.

Based on everything we could research, and Rich's desperate need for a hash mark on his time line, we were given September 2009 as the final curtain. What I later realized was that Rich wasn't asking when he was going to die, he wanted a time reference so he could figure how hard he had to fight, and how to calculate the hash marks of battle on his time line.

I was busy working out the circles...how many of the different stages of his garden will he be able to enjoy? how many rounds of golf will he have with his buddies (and me)? At what point in the circle of spring, summer and fall of 2009 will he enter the hibernation of chemotherapy and radiation? And how can I best utilize the circles around his hibernation? Perhaps it seems crazy to an outsider, but I was putting my faith in Western Medicine to deal with his Body, I was confident that my stubborn German husband had the Mind aspect in total control, so I was focused on Spirit. Rich and I have always been a team that way.

Circles aren't just measures of time. They're also the onion skin layers of our life. The rings of a tree aren't just the measure of time of each season, but everything that happened in that season—rain, drought, fire, toxins, abrasions of the bark. Wounds that heal over and fresh new growth.

Today is August 12, 2010, Day 521 in the Land of Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer. It is more than a straight line of appointments, procedures and treatments. It is circles and ripples on a pond. It get's worse before it gets better and it gets better before it gets worse. It's a helluva ride. If you're lucky, the person on the seat beside you is someone like Rich. I have learned two things.

Number One: Live in the Now. Survive the now when it is horrific and savor the now when it is bliss. You will have both. Do not rush either one because you can't be certain how many more times you will be able to share anything. And I assure you that when it is over, you would crave 10 minutes of the horrific just to be holding his hand.

Number Two: NEVER BE AFRAID. Fear only weakens and destroys—do not waste your time and energy on it. Nothing is accomplished in the name of fear. You can deal with anything that Life brings you. Life will never bring you fear—that's something you have to invite yourself. Don't.

If you ever love someone so much that experiencing this level of pain feels a small price to pay...then you are truly blessed.

I am truly blessed.