As for your concern....

This circus of cancer has been on the road for two years, three months and two weeks now. What generates emails and phone calls of concern?!?!?! When one of the Voices in the Van speaks.

Like what.... this is entertaining reality reading until it gets scary for YOU?!?! Really?

Number One... if you've been reading the blog from entry #1, you're up to speed and you “get it”.
Otherwise, you're taking one entry out of context, in which case you really need to keep that endeavor to the Bible. I'm not worthy of your efforts or interest.

Number Two... Stop reading this blog, because at some point in the near future the rest of the voices are going to come forward because they're pissed at not even being recognized in the last one.

Number Three.... Don't worry about it. Get on with your own damn life. I assure you that nothing happening in my life will in any way impact YOUR life anymore than the fluttering of a butterfly's wings. Please reference back and read the entry titled “Disclaimer”.

Number Four.... I have a plan

Yes, I have a plan, and I'm laughing in your general direction. “Do You Have A Plan?” is a key question that health providers are supposed to ask people in stress, on the edge, etc. Apparently someone thought it was a safe way of assessing someone's proximity to suicide. Give me a fucking break.

All God's Children got a damn Plan. If you have EVER said or thought, “Gee, I'd rather die in my sleep than end up in a nursing home...” That's step one of a plan. If you've ever thought or said “I'd rather die than.....” I don't care how lightly or flippantly you meant it, on some level your brain is processing an alternative route and by virtue of the fact that none of us are getting out of here alive, then YOU, my friend, have a PLAN. It may be a shitty damn plan, but it's a plan. And if you THINK that you don't have a plan, then you are just too young or too stupid or too busy to contemplate the inevitable. We are all leaving here eventually. How could you NOT have a plan for something that BIG?

Anyone who seriously “has a plan”.... revealing the plan is not a part of the plan. If you're revealing the plan, then your plan is to be rescued. Seriously. Am I the only one who thinks this way?

So now I just love softly announcing that “I have a plan”. Those close to me chuckle with me. Why? Because those who know me know that suicide—as a physical act—goes against everything I believe in. It is not possible for me on levels I cannot begin to explain. Anyone who is disturbed by my “having a plan”.... well that's just good, clean fun for me.

I have a plan. Always remembering that Life (and Death) is what happens while you're making other plans.

So if you're concerned about my mental health based on my blogs then you are hopelessly missing the point. More exact—you don't know me at all. I'm journaling to heal, and I just happen to be posting it to a blog in pathetic hopes of helping someone else, just one other person, who might be going through something similar. Up until the voices started to speak, only six people were giving feedback so I figured only my very small support group was even paying attention.

I'm fine. I'm fine because I use this blog to VENT. As a result I have what it takes to do what I have to do. I manage to adequately take care of Rich, hopefully without over-burdening friends and family, and I truly love my job and being able to help the people that I'm not ranting about in the blog because I need to purge them from my system so I can be a good nurse to the 90% of patients who appreciate what I do even though I can't prescribe narcotics. Just when some narcissitic hypochondriac is about to make my head explode, Radar reminds me I can blog that later, and then I can move on and be professional.

Oh, yeah, you haven't met Radar (one of the voices). You'll like him. Radar McGinnis, great nephew of Radar O'Reilly. More on him later.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

Bite me.