I have ADHD

Life is truly getting in the way of this blog. I need one of those programs that allows you to dictate into your computer and I could take my work commute to 87% efficiency level. I don't know if it's the fast-paced, high-tech world we live in, OR if it's just that the older we get, the faster time moves, but I think I have ADHD.

The three of us—Cancer, Rich and Me—are evolving in our relationship. Rich is well enough to want to do some things, but not well enough to be reliably helpful with household chores. I'm back to work full time with a hefty commute and still lacking the help I need at home. Cancer is being her typical passive/aggressive self, a.k.a. A High Maintenance Bitch Princess. I need a "sister wife", and you need to check that out on The Learning Channel. More on that later....

My house is once again under construction with a major project, running simultaneously with major physical changes and ensuing disruptions at work. Spring is trying to spring, and I don't remember the last time I witnessed such a difficult birthing process. I have four precious babies in my life that I never get to see enough of, and projects I desparately want to work on for each of them. The weeds in the garden are green and fully armed for full bore self-seeding attack. A week ago I threw my back out leaning over to put a fork in the dishwasher so once again my daily workout is on hold, but calorie intake continues.

Just this evening I was channel surfing (I KNOW I don't have time for that!) and there was a commercial of Conan O'Brien, about Conan O'Brien, by Conan O'Brien and for Conan O'Brien, and for some reason I cannot explain I enjoy his commercials though I have never seen his show (does he have a show, or just the commercials?) So I watch the entire commercial and when the commercial ended I continued my surfing and 9 channels in 7 seconds later I catch a fifteen minute tribute on TMC to Red Skelton. You cannot do a drug that will fuck you up as much as the serendipity of a Conan O'Brien commercial immediately and unexpectedly followed by a Red Skelton montage. For a brief moment I thought I had a mind to lose and I had lost it. Holy Ba-Geezus!!... Time warp...Black hole....secret government cloning experiment?!?!?! I had to pop open my notebook and start writing just to stay awake, because if you go to sleep too soon after THAT experience you are guaranteed to have hellatious nightmares.

This week I decided I would try to use my new GPS (I would get lost in the bathtub if there wasn't a faucet at one end so a GPS seemed like a good idea). I left work and set the destination for home. Why? Because it seemed like a no pressure way to get acquainted with a disembodied voice I am paying to order me around.
My GPS decided it knew a better way home from work and I was feeling adventurous. What I did not foresee is that out in farm country someone can barricade a road with an orange barrell and a “road closed” sign, but no one thinks to phone a clue to the GPS satellites. If only the cows had cell phones. In thirteen short minutes I realize I am hopelessly lost and all of the recalculating in the world does not remove the road barriers from the roads that Miss Snippy-Ass voice insists that I “TURN NOW” onto. So not only do I get lost on my own, I get lost with all possible help to the contrary. AND, I manage to piss off a disembodied voice to levels that I firmly believe the manufacturer never anticipated.
Wow. 45 minute commute stretched to an hour and 15, chastised repeatedly by yet another voice in my van, and horribly wasteful gas consumption. Yee-hah!! Way to end the week on a positive note.

And have I mentioned that Mercury is retrograde? Technically, scientifically and economically....I have NO Idea what that means. What I DO know is that when Mercury goes retrograde, communication is F.U.B.A.R. I used to doubt this as astrological mumb-jumbo until I did my own studies. Just watch or listen to live TV or radio and notice how many times people mis-speak, fumble words, get tongue-tied, etc. Pay attention to the people around you, misunderstandings, technological glitches, mixed messages. Seriously. I am loathe to admit it, but there's something to this. And Monday morning when I go back to work in a doctor's office that has ONE phone line because the work order got screwed up, the equipment got screwed up and they only have one service tech.... well that may just be a stand alone blog.

AND... we recently hit our Second Anniversary of married with cancer. March 10,2009 was D-Day (Diagnosis day). I leaned over and put my head on his incredibly bony shoulder and whispered....”Do You smell something bad?”
Of course he had no clue. For over an hour I kept doing the occasional sniffing and commenting on the strange smell, with vague attempts to describe the smell for him..... “I don't know exactly... sort of bad or burnt or nasty... like a spoiled food smell.”
Snuggled close and Rich being meticulous about his hygiene, it was easy to hook him.
When I finally got that he was getting a bit terrified that he was the source of the smell I reeled him in.

I did the big “ah-ha” noise of discovery, leaned away from him and wrinkled up my noise. The poor man was horrified. I looked at my watch and said “oh yeah, it's you, dude. You're eighteen months past your expiration date!”

I'd feel guilty but Mercury is retrograde so chances are he's not going to remember anything I said.