Dear Baby

Last year, in the midst of Rich's chemo and radiation we learned that all three of my sons were expecting their first child. I was painfully aware of how fragile life is. I knew that if something unexpected were to happen to me, I wanted my grandchildren to know me--in my own words. So I wrote this letter to them...

Dear Baby

Welcome to Planet Earth
It’s cold in winter and hot in summer, so you’ll want to dress appropriately.
It’s very crowded here, so good manners are extremely helpful. When in doubt—its more important to be Kind than Right.
From Birth to toilet training you will go through approximately 6,000 disposable diapers. Going forward, please be more Green.

Your parents are very smart, lovely people and I highly recommend them to you, but you’re new here and you didn’t come with a manual.
They’re going to teach you our language, which is surprisingly easy until you have to start writing it down. And you’re going to teach them your language which is Crying. Eventually it will all come together for all concerned.

Basically, there are two sets of Rules …
We have People Rules and Earth Rules. In the beginning you’re mostly learning the Earth Rules—eating, sleeping, pooping and peeing. You’ll be great at it, and by the time you become an expert at those, you’ll start discovering the rest of the Earth Rules. Next you’re going to spend a lot of energy working out the Gravity and Inertia rules. Roll with it. Luckily you’re designed to endure the lessons being built low to the ground and pretty pliable. Mom and Dad will assist with the Boo-Boos. They also have amazing ways to protect you through this learning curve, even when you think you don’t need the help. Those are just the two main Earth Rules. There are a bazillion more and they are mostly really fun to discover. I especially like dragonflies and flowers. You’ll have your own favorites. One of the best is that the Sun sets every day and rises every morning. That means that every day you can count on Tomorrow. What a great rule. Every tomorrow is a fresh start. You know it will come, but you don’t know exactly what it will bring. And no matter how bad today is, you know you’re going to get a tomorrow. I call that Hope.

The People Rules are way more complicated, less certain, but necessary because of that “crowded” thing I mentioned. Take heart. There are a few basic ones that never fail…kindness, sharing, “please” and “thank-you”, personal hygiene, and “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you”. (I like that one). One of the keys is to follow the rules even when others don’t. It makes a difference. Trust me. Even if you don’t see the difference it makes, it still does. I think your parents have really got you covered on all of the above, but I’d like to clue you in on Parents.
First of all, they Love you above all else.
(NOTE: and for the record, if I ever hear that in a moment of anger you say to them “I didn’t ASK to be born!”—you and I will have issues that I will be happy to clarify.)
Really. And nothing will change that no matter how hard you challenge it. It’s just a fact you must accept and the wiser you are, the more quickly you will embrace and accept it. (This will make more sense after puberty.) For the first few years your parents will be the smartest two beings on the planet. Then you’ll reach about twelve or thirteen and they may at times appear to be total idiot losers. This is the time when remembering that it is more important for you to be kind than right is of the most value. If You are half smart and Very Lucky, your parents won’t suffer this period.
Puberty is better as a memory than as an experience. Everyone goes through it so try not to get discouraged. The biggest obstacle to it is the impatience of all concerned. Try to keep a sense of humor. It’s mother nature’s way of transitioning us from total dependence to total independence, and to really make it challenging she throws in a whopping dose of hormones.
But like all things this will change—another Big Planet Rule—Change. (more on that later). Take heart. The most amazing thing will happen when you reach your twenties. Your parents will once again become amazingly smart. Whew. You can take credit for that if you like.
I don’t think there is anything I can tell you about school that your parents would approve of. Except this: Be nice, pay attention and follow the rules. Some people think you’ll need the piece of paper they give you at the end of it. Especially if you want to go on to college, and the paperwork you get at the end of that is even more “valuable.” Some of the very brightest people who ever visited here never had a formal education, but it sure wasn’t easy for them. You’ll have to be twice as sharp and twice as tough if you want to by-pass the ‘formal education’ route. For some reason our society and most people in general are very impressed by the letters that follow your name. It’s not a bad thing so long as you are not impressed by the letters at the end of your name. Just think of them as special tickets to enter the places you want to go. Not completely necessary but pretty convenient. Lest you be caught up in their importance, always remember that Moses, Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha managed quite well without them.

In my humble opinion, the best education is the one you carve out for yourself. This requires that you read. Read, read, read. (If I could only recommend one book to you it would be “Illusions” by Richard Bach.) Explore with a passion. Listen. Contemplate. Then read some more. Never be afraid to take a step back and reconsider your position. My mother used to say…”don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you read.” (I think she stole that quote from someone else). It’s not bad advice tho, and in today’s age of technology I would add, “be wary of what you see.”
Try not to think in absolutes—good or bad, black or white. Few things are that simple, and you’ll miss out on all the colors and shades.

Which leads my thoughts to Religion. I am quite certain there is nothing I can tell you about this that your parents would approve of. But I feel I must, so very carefully I will share this… Don’t confuse God with Religion. Religion is man made. God just Is. Religion is a box that man makes to try and fit God into. This leads to war. I’m not saying religion is bad—only what people do with it. Religion should not be a club that you use to beat other people over the head with. Think of your relationship with God as just as special as your relationship with your spouse—you don’t need to blab it all over. And don’t confuse religion with faith and spirituality. “Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who have already been there.” I don’t know who said that but it rings true for me. I am NOT saying to dismiss and avoid religion, only keep it in perspective. Every religion is a wonderful suggestion for the Path to God, but No one can facilitate your relationship with God better than you and God.

Time. Some will argue it’s an Earth Rule, others think it’s more of a People Rule. I think it’s both. Either way you have to work with it. It seems to me that there is Big Time (Earth Rule) and Little Time (People Rule). Little Time is the straight lines between event A and event B. Watches and clocks are very useful for this and help maintain order and convenience for everyone involved. Big Time is circles, like ripples on a pond--some big, some small, but very fluid. These are the circles that measure your life, whether it’s a small circle like a day, or a larger one like a year. Some days you focus on the straight line and you travel from event to event until you arrive at your destination. Some days you focus on the circle where you stand in the center and watch it all move around you and the focus becomes the journey rather than the destination. With practice you can learn to experience Time as both a line and a circle at the same time. With skill you can manipulate them both. I believe this is an instinct we’re born with but we lose it in the effort to master gravity and inertia. I feel I must warn you that Time speeds up with age. When you are nine, the first 24 days of December move at a snails pace. When you reach your fifties entire seasons pass in the blink of an eye. Someone probably told me this when I was young but I failed to grasp it. Now I find it’s true.

Space. Can’t really help you with this one. You’ll have to explore it on your own and consult the experts for more in depth analysis. But be advised that people can be very particular about “their” space. Some require more space than others, some guard their space more than others, and some can be downright prickly about it. This is one of those areas where good manners are very helpful. Sometimes you must tread cautiously. Always tread politely.

Okay. Change—a function of Time. It’s going to happen, just like tomorrow. So there’s no point in being afraid or resistant. It really is easiest just to go with the flow and always look for ways to make the best of it. Totally possible. It’s kind of like weather. You can enjoy the rain, or hate the rain. The choice is yours. So you might as well enjoy it because the Rain doesn’t care. And there’s always tomorrow… You cannot force change you can only facilitate it. And life will be simpler if you remember that you cannot change another person, you can only change yourself.
Mistakes…. They will happen, with or without you, but usually with your help. Just remember that NO mistake is more important than how you recover from it. This is where laughter Really helps.
Since we all make mistakes, there’s going to be somebody else on the other side of the mistake. Even when there’s no mistake involved there will be times when you’ll just not be happy with the way things are going. Which leads me to “Fair”.

Life isn’t Fair. Fair is a festival with food and music that is usually happening somewhere else—a nice place to visit but after awhile it would get boring to live there. I mean, no matter how great the Circus is, somebody has to clean up the elephant poop. So given that Life isn’t Fair, I have one very important Personal Rule about this-—NO Whining. It IS , however, entirely appropriate to have the occasional Pity Party, provided no else must attend and bring a gift. Think of a Pity Party as a very special occasion that should only happen once or twice a year and only for very good reason.
The good news is that while Life isn’t Fair, it does demand Balance. Balance is an Earth Rule that ranks right up there with Gravity and Inertia. The pendulum must swing. On rare, special occasions there is immediate correction of imbalance (“unfairness”) and when you get to witness it, it is truly delightful. Mostly tho, balance can take a long time (so life doesn’t seem fair). Right now, in 2010, there’s so much talk in this country about “illegal immigrants”—people who just come to this land uninvited, refusing to speak the language, changing our culture, consuming resources while contributing little more than over-crowding, crime and general discord. I assure you that 400-500 years ago the people of this land were having the same discussions. It just wasn’t in English. So what they suffered from our ancestors then, we are suffering now. I think that’s what is meant in the Bible by….”the sins of the fathers shall be visited upon the sons.” I call this Balance.

Basically, life is easier (and more enjoyable) if you accept the Rules. And you do get to make your own Personal Rules. Mine are:
#1. Show Up. That means make your very best effort to arrive where you’re supposed to be (on time!) and be 100% present once you get there.
#2. Know when to Leave. ..whether it’s a party, a job, a relationship or a situation. This will prevent a lot of mistakes on your part, especially in your teen years.
#3. No Whining. You may think it feels good at the time, and unfortunately it does seem to get results in the short run, but it is truly ugly and very annoying to others.
#4. Always, always, always trust your intuition, while remembering that in your first couple of decades it’s pretty raw and developing. But the older you get, and the more you use it, the stronger and more dependable it becomes.
Those are just a few of mine, and certainly not ones you have to adopt for yourself.

Your thoughts, opinions and beliefs are your own and you’re entitled to them. But trying to impose them on others is merely your ego running amuck. I implore you to never use this line on your parents unless you are at least 27 years old. And should you ever find yourself desperately needing to say it out loud to anyone, say it nicely.

I’m not the best person to comment on people because I’m not a “people person”, but I do try. I have discovered that if I dislike someone, it is helpful to stop and ask myself if what I dislike about them is something I don’t want to admit about myself (present or lacking). Also remember that not everyone is going to like you, and the ones who like you today may not like you tomorrow, so conserve your energy and direct it wisely. The people who are the center of you universe in high school won’t remember your name just a few years down the road, unless of course you become famous, and other people shouldn’t be the reason you become famous. It’s easier if you just be nice to everyone, and I do mean everyone. (You never know what form the Divine might take.) Even if they don’t deserve or appreciate it, your efforts build your character and reputation and those two things you carry with you always and they are priceless.
It’s good to have friends, but always remember that you are your Number 1 BFF. Because no matter how many people come and go, you have to live with you forever. (that’s a long time)

There are assholes. There just are and I wish I had a cure, but I don’t. But having endured so much exposure, I can tell you this…They are no match for you if you keep your wits about you. A little trick I’ve learned—always face an asshole with calm, assertive energy. Be peaceful and mindful that you do not own their behavior. Adopt a total inner energy that you are merely observing a bug dancing a jig. In pink underwear. Once they sense they cannot create anger in you and suck the energy, they will go off in search of easier victims. Why? Because no one can disrespect you without your consent.
(NOTE: For audio/visual supplement watch “Forrest Gump”.)

Your best tool in dealing with assholes is Silence.
The common denominator in your experiences with people (and all of Life really) is You. You will find what you seek. If you look for the negative, you’ll find it. I recommend you focus on the positive. You can always find it even if you have to look really hard, and it’s always worth the effort. You decide. I hope you choose to be positive. Being negative just makes you miserable and annoys the people around you.
You attract what you project. Some people think “seeing is believing”. I think “believing is seeing.” And I have way too many trinkets in my bag of magick to share with you on this point.

So tread carefully when it comes to judging others. You don't know the path that brought them to where they are. If you’re going to assume anything, assume that they are doing the best they know how and accept the free lesson on how not to behave.

It’s always okay to be scared. It happens and it’s a helpful little mechanism in your brain that keeps you from doing really stupid things. The trick is this. You control the fear, the fear does not control you.

It’s okay to want things. Humans would never progress if they didn’t want more than what they have. The trick is this. You define your wants, don’t let your wants define you. This is a real balancing act. Progress vs contentment. Good luck. Maybe this will help… It’s more important to want what you Have, than to have what you Want. Our world is littered with landfills containing zillions of items that were wanted for mere seconds, and nature has not yet evolved an organism that can consume all that plastic.

You have a place here on Earth. Everyone does. It will be up to you to define and create your place and your impact. You will create and leave an impact on everything and everyone you touch. The size of that impact doesn’t matter as much as the flavor of it. You don’t need to focus on that fact every waking minute, but I ask you to think about it regularly and often. Maybe at the end of each day just before you remember tomorrow.

So who am I to be telling you all of this? I am your grandmother. Hereafter known as “D-G” (stands for Daddy Grandma) I have no rights or responsibilities here whatsoever, save those that you and your parents give me. I’m hoping to earn every one of them. I’m pretty ragged around the edges, I have earned every one of my wrinkles, gray hairs, bumps, bruises and lasting scars. I work everyday to make them mean something, sometimes with success. I continue to make mistakes, I’m just quicker to recover (I’d like to think)
I bring to you a genetic background that I am shamefully proud of. Much Irish, with a heaping dollop of Cherokee—so many stories to share (if you like), best told on a rainy day, curled up together in a blanket with tea and scones. But I am just a small piece of the puzzle that is now You.

You have so much to discover, experience, explore and accomplish. If the sky falls on my head tomorrow and I am not hear to boar you with my stories, just know that I loved you before you were born. I loved you when your father was in my belly, when you were just a twinkle in your daddy’s eye and a smile on your mamma’s lips.

All I ask of you is this… Please don’t be an asshole (except in fleeting moments we all have in learning that can’t be helped). Never give up hope—there’s always tomorrow, Now is Not Forever.
Always know that no matter how badly I do, I’ll do my best. I’ll always give you what I know, but the bottom line is… I could be wrong.